It's only hair....

This hair thing really needs to just get itself over and done with.

I noticed last week that my part was starting to look like a landing strip on top of my head. Last Friday, we went out with friends, and my hair just looked awful. I realized that it was because I had so little of it left. I made it through the weekend, but when Monday dawned, I took the scissors to it. I knew that I would lose more of it in the shower (thus it looking even worse!), so I solved the problem by cutting it r-e-a-l-l-y short. I think I surprised Michael; I think he thought I would shave it before just hacking at it. But I just couldn't shave it. Meaghan got up in time to watch me and help clip a bit on the very back of my head. I did discover something interesting, though. I found a LOT more dark brown hair on the back of my head. It wasn't as gray as I thought (from the way the front looked!). For some reason, I took some satisfaction in that. Of course, now, it was all in the waste basket instead of on my head. I also discovered that short hair (really short hair!) weighs nothing! And my head is much cooler!

So, I wore my wig to chemo Monday. One of the ladies getting treatment there told me it was "cute as a button" and made me look "years younger." I felt like I had a swim cap on my head; I think it is because my scalp is still so sensitive that anything I put on it hurts. I also took the wig off as soon as I got home. And I haven't had it on again except for one quick trip to Wal-Mart that evening. Of course, the girls have been under the weather all week, so I haven't gone out of the house, either. All the kids have had some funny comments about what my head/hair looks like. Meaghan wants ALL of the hair to fall out so I stop shedding on her when she sits on my lap or hugs me. As the hair continues to fall out with each shower, the landing strip gets wider. I told Kathryn today that I think my head reminds me of a baby bird's head - very few feathers and lots of skin. I've also been told that larger earrings are a must. I guess they help to balance out the baldness. To put things in perspective, though, hair loss is minimal in the grand scheme of things. I'd gladly be a bald grandma, if that's what it takes to beat this disease.

So goes the saga of my hair.........

posted by Kim @ 1:07 PM 8 comments

The club

I had it described to me as such.....when you have cancer, or a child with cancer, you immediately join a club you do not want to join. How true this statement is! One really does not understand the magnitude of the diagnosis until you are faced with it yourself. Even though my mother was a breast cancer patient for 8 years, I never really understood what she went through. I might have thought I knew something about it, but I was really clueless.

I saw another member of "the club" today. Our eye doctor is a dear Christian man whose youngest daughter was diagnosed with leukemia when she was just 13. I remember the day I was in his office, and he told me. I remember checking on her status each time I would take one of the children in for an exam. I asked about her today; he was thrilled to report that she has been in remission since October. Today, she is a senior in high school with future plans to become a pediatric oncology nurse. Praise God!

He had more to share with me, though. He told me that doctors have discovered a tumor in his wife's brain, right behind her optic nerve. They don't know yet whether or not it is cancer. Believe it or not, they have to wait and watch it for a while. He said that this is a situation for which they cannot do a biopsy; they just have to wait. It might be something life threatening, or it might be something much more manageable. I cannot imagine how hard this must be for them.

He was a kindred spirit to relay my own story to........I could see the sadness on his face as he truly understood the situation our family is facing. He knows the disruption. He knows the uncertainty of it all. Most importantly, however, he also knows that God is in control of my life just as He has been in control of his daughter's. As I was walking out of the exam room, we were agreeing how truly hopeless cancer must seem to those who don't have that reassurance. And we thanked God together that we both have hope in our Heavenly Father's love and care.

So, I have a new family of prayer warriors praying for me tonight. And I will be praying for this family again.....as well as the other families I know who are a part of "the club." It is amazing how far and wide the membership ranks reach. Sad but true.

"I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust."
~Psalm 91:2

posted by Kim @ 8:37 PM 3 comments

Feeling human again

Last week's chemo treatment didn't seem to cause me much distress until the latter part of the week. And then, I wasn't feeling really bad....just very tired and achy. I even stayed home from church on Sunday, just to get some extra rest. Well, a good night of sleep work wonders, and I awoke Monday morning feeling much more well rested and "normal."

Yesterday's Herceptin treatment came and went without much fanfare. Michael was my treatment "buddy" again, working out of the back of the van in the parking garage (the saying "I can work anywhere with a computer and internet access" being put into action here!) while I was in the doctor's office. After a good nap in the afternoon, I was feeling pretty well again. I commented to a friend this morning how it seems strange that the treatments are becoming almost routine. School has a routine. Home life has a routine. Now cancer treatments have a routine. 2 months ago, when life seemed turned upside down by this diagnosis, I don't think I could have imagined anything being routine again. I think that the key here is balance. It is good that we can have a routine....that we can rest in God's sovereignty and not worry over every little glitch in life. However, it is also important not to become complacent, taking God for granted. He still wants us to come to Him for our daily bread....for His perfect peace and rest.

Hair update: still hanging in there....barely.....as it continues to shed profusely, I wonder if a shearing party is in order. Somehow, I just can't bring myself to go to that extreme. Call me chicken. Call me vain. I know it is only hair; but, it is my hair!

Many thanks again for the continued prayer support that we have from friends and family around the country. Our church family has been taking such good care of us, sending meals home each week. Having something already prepared after treatments on Mondays has been such a blessing. I have said it before, but it bears repeating - the depth of care and concern shown to our family during this time has been so humbling. We are so very grateful and pray God's blessing over each of you, as you have blessed us.

Like A River Glorious (Frances R. Havergal)

Like a river glorious, is God’s perfect peace,
Over all victorious, in its bright increase;
Perfect, yet it floweth, fuller every day,
Perfect, yet it groweth, deeper all the way.

Stayed upon Jehovah, hearts are fully blest
Finding, as He promised, perfect peace and rest.

Hidden in the hollow of His blessed hand,
Never foe can follow, never traitor stand;
Not a surge of worry, not a shade of care,
Not a blast of hurry touch the spirit there.

Stayed upon Jehovah, hearts are fully blest
Finding, as He promised, perfect peace and rest.

Every joy or trial falleth from above,
Traced upon our dial by the Sun of Love;
We may trust Him fully all for us to do.
They who trust Him wholly find Him wholly true.

Stayed upon Jehovah, hearts are fully blest
Finding, as He promised, perfect peace and rest.

posted by Kim @ 12:02 PM 4 comments

Praise God from whom all blessings flow.....

It has been a time of blessing here. Blessings GALORE, to use a popular word in our house. Thinking back over the past few days, I am again overwhelmed by a heavenly father who lavishes such precious gifts upon me. Here's a brief recap:

Friday, March 10 - My niece gave birth to a healthy baby girl - Doug and Shannon are the proud parents of Kaya Marie! This is the first great-grandchild for my dad, and the first grandchild for my older brother. We are all excited to add another generation to the family. And I am looking forward to shopping for a baby girl!

Saturday, March 11 - I celebrated another birthday, turning 49. I had already received a wonderful gift the day before, with the baby's birth, but the gifts kept coming Saturday. Some were by e-mail; some came from the post office. Some were very unexpected; some were expected, but still surprised me. We went out to eat for a family dinner celebration. It was a different birthday, this year. I know for certain how precious birthdays are now. I also know for certain that I won't ever complain about having another one, if the Lord is gracious to me. Each day is a precious gift from Him.

Sunday, March 12 - In accordance with James 5:14 which states, "Is there sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over you him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord:", the elders of our church anointed me and prayed over me during the morning worship service. To say it was an emotional time would be an understatement. I praise God for each and every man who leads our church; their individual prayers were like balm to my soul. We belong to a precious body of believers who have lifted our family up so lovingly during this trial. They are a true blessing.

Monday, March 13 (yesterday!) - my second "big" chemo day....only 6 left to go! My appointment with the doctor was encouraging. She noted evidence that the chemo was working, and she said that my lab work had been good, too. We talked about getting some IV iron next time, if my iron counts don't move up better than they have been. I have been taking a good iron supplement since December, but the doctor says that absorption is more difficult when taking chemotherapy. Prayers for a higher iron count would be greatly appreciated! I still haven't been experiencing any major side effects as of yet, although I did need to go to bed at 8:30 last night, as I was so very tired! The doctor credits my slow hair loss to having thick hair. I don't know how much longer that thick hair will be around though, if this morning's combing is any indication. I did get a pretty red hat as a birthday gift from a friend; I am thinking that it will serve me quite well this spring, especially Easter!

There are so many other blessing of late that I could continue to list; there are blessings at work for Michael, the girls were blessed to spend part of Sunday making new friends with a new family at church, and the list goes on. God is pouring out His love on us like manna from heaven. How comforting it is to be able to praise Him in the midst of a trial, looking past the trial and seeing His hand of blessing in our lives.

Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow;
Praise Him, all creatures here below;
Praise Him above, ye heavenly host;
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.

posted by Kim @ 4:00 PM 3 comments

Matthew 10:30........

Matthew chapter 10, verse 30 states, "But the very hairs of your head are all numbered."

As I see more strands in my hand each time I run the comb through my hair, I stand in awe of a God who knows each and every hair that is on our heads.....He has numbered each one.

And as I face the inevitable this week, I continue to thank Him for this cancer and subsequent hair loss. I can rest in His sovereignty and the knowledge that He has my life in His hands.

"Be strong and courageous, be not afraid nor dismayed for the king of Assyria, nor for all the multitude that is with him: for there be more with us than with him: With him is an arm of flesh; but with us is the LORD our God to help us, and to fight our battles."
~II Chronicles 32:7-8

posted by Kim @ 8:47 AM 4 comments

Yes.....I still have my hair....in case you were wondering!

That seems to be the most commonly asked question these days. I am finishing up day 16, heading into day 17 (of chemo treatment), and my hair is still here. The nurses told me to expect to have it start falling out 14 days after the first treatment. Honestly, I am seeing signs of its coming demise, but I am happy to have it around for as long as it stays.....gray hairs, too!

Yesterday's Herceptin treatment went without a hitch.....well, if I don't count the fact that they didn't have me scheduled for blood work, which delayed things starting by about 30 minutes. But once that got taken care of (and I was assured that there was a note made in my chart that I am supposed to have blood drawn each week), the drug treatment was over in no time. I met a lady from The Woodlands, sitting in the chair next to me. She was having her very first treatment, although she has already had her surgery. We chatted a bit about the differences in each other's cases, as well as how individual and specific the treatments are for breast cancer. She gave me some things to consider for when it is time for my surgery; I was able to answer some questions for her about what to expect from her time in the clinic. It seems weird to say I had a good time getting chemo.....but I did.

And then - the Herceptin bag was empty, and I was free to leave!

I've felt pretty good again today, and I just praise God for the lack of side effects I have experienced so far. I know that many of you have been praying along those lines; God has been faithful in answering those prayers. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Next Monday brings my second "big" day. I am eagerly anticipating it as it will mean one less cycle on the calendar, making only 6 more to go! I am also looking forward to seeing what other great things God will be doing and how He will be using me during this time.

"It is good for me that I have been afflicted; that I might learn thy statutes. The law of thy mouth is better unto me than thousands of gold and silver" ~Psalm 119:71-72

posted by Kim @ 10:27 PM 0 comments

Hindsight & Foresight

I wrote most of this to a friend in an e-mail today, and thought I'd post some of it here...

Something that comes my mind every so often, is that we sometimes look at God's promises only in the future tense. When searching for God's comfort, we repeat to ourselves, "God will be faithful," "He will never leave or forsake me," "He will care for me," etc. All thinking positively towards the future. And there's nothing wrong with that at all. Yet, we sometimes forget the flip side of that equation, neglecting to look at God's promises in retrospect. There's great added comfort in remembering that "God has been faithful to me in the last year," that "God never left or forsook me in the last five years," and that "God has cared for me in the last 24 years of my life." The next question, "Will He stop doing all of this for me tomorrow?" I think not. Rather, I know not. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. His character never changes. And so, we can look back with joy and forward with hope, knowing as the great hymn says, "As Thou hast been, Thou forever wilt be."

The reminders are present that, in spite the "hoorah!" American attitude we often take, that we are not in control of our lives. God is. Yet, there is no shadow of turning with God; He is not slack concerning his promises. And so we purpose to "run with endurance the race that is set before us..." (Heb. 12:1) Still, we only run the race with endurance as we look "unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith..." (Heb. 12:2a) This is the same concept I mentioned above. The reason we can look forward with hope is because Christ authored our faith, and will be faithful to finish our faith. This is the sanctification process. We can look with foresight to God's coming faithfulness and with hindsight at God's past faithfulness - always with thanksgiving in our heart.

Our Father in heaven, hallowed be Your name. Your kingdom come. Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. And do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one. For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen.

posted by Ryan Kelly @ 9:14 PM 1 comments